Rev. Myles Vardy arrives at Cochrane Street United Church in St. John's, where he has served as minister for the past few years, and stops to speak with his secretary. There's a flurry of activity at the church this morning and volunteers are busy setting up tables and chairs in the hall.
The door to Vardy's office opens to a cheery room filled with books, plants, a comfortable sofa and chair, and photographs of his wife and children. You won't find Vardy's unofficial motto pegged to the bulletin board, though it is reflected in his everyday life.
"You've got two ears, two eyes and one mouth, so listen twice as much as you speak."
These are words of wisdom Vardy uses on the job at Cochrane Street and in his personal life, words that can easily apply to any number of situations, including when friends or loved ones' relationships fall apart.
After years of lending his ear to parishioners going through relationship difficulties, he found himself in a similar circumstance. His first marriage ended in divorce. It was a difficult time.
He has since remarried and he and his spouse have a happy life together.
Both have experienced marriage breakdown; both have children from their previous relationships, so they know from personal experience that breaking up is really hard -- hard on the couple, on their families, on their friends.
What's their advice for helping a friend or loved one through the death of a relationship? "Be available just to listen without judgment or commentary," he says. Parishioners often seek him out for his ability to do just that.
Sounds easy enough. Just listen. But is it really that simple?
"It's as short and to the point as that," agrees Dr. Mike Doyle, associate professor and training director of Memorial University's Counselling Centre in St. John's. "But listening is not just sitting there nodding your head; it's conveying you've heard.
"You use reflection, clarifying, restating, paraphrasing," says Doyle. "You might say, `Gee it sounds like you're having trouble with this,' or, `Did you just tell me that you're afraid to tell your wife this because. . . .' That's listening."
Students who arrive at his door in the counselling centre bring issues that run the gamut and reflect those you'll find in the general population, including relationship difficulties, marriage breakdown and alcohol abuse in the family.
Doyle points out that helping a friend or loved one through a crisis can get a bit tricky. When you care about someone, you don't want to see them upset or hurting. You have an understandable bias.
"That means you might not bring up the right stuff," he says. "You worry about making your friend more upset. But these issues are stressful and people will get upset. That's a huge difficulty in friends listening to friends. Can they be impartial?"
It's a limitation that Lynn Harvey (not her real name) of St. John's keeps in mind when she visits with Sharon, a good friend whose marriage is coming to an end.
"It's devastating to see her going through such a tough time. My heart is breaking for her, especially since she has young children," says Lynn. "She'll ask for advice and it's hard not to speak from the heart. I look at her and think that could so easily be me.
"But I know this is her life and she must decide."
Harvey tries to ask questions of the kind that Doyle suggests and reminds her friend that the emotional trauma is completely understandable.
"It's the death of a marriage, so you have the same emotions as if you'd lost a loved one. You've lost the life you had and that can be frightening."
"What's important is to acknowledge that sometimes you have to feel hurt to come to some kind of resolution," says Doyle. "The ultimate paradox is that it helps to touch the cut. It helps to touch what hurts."
It's also important, he says, not to reassure your friend that everything will be okay. You don't know that, so you shouldn't say it.
Harvey recognizes her own bias, and that need we all have to make things better. So she has encouraged her friend to seek counselling.
"I know a professional can help guide her through the experience, help her process everything. There's an awful lot to sort out."
Doyle calls this "gentle referral," a good way to help a friend in crisis. And he points out that tough as it can be to see a loved one going through a painful experience, it's necessary to be stuck for a while; it's a necessary part of coming to some kind of solution.
"There is something to be gained from going through the difficult parts," he says. "You want someone to come up with his or her own solution, to think about it, play with it, manipulate it."
